Felicity Anne

I took these photos last Sunday while everyone was at church-- she was just a few hours less than 3 days old.  Right before the blood patch failed and my CSF fluid started leaking again. 

THE NAME:

Felicity: I love this name. It was one of the names we (I) considered for Hannah. After I found out we were having a girl, it was the only name that really felt right for this little one the whole time. I just felt like it was her name already. It took Brian a while to come around, but eventually he decided to go with it (his #1 was Emma). I first fell in love with the name as a preteen reading the American Girl series-- Felicity was my favorite. Spirited, outdoorsy, loved animals, didn't like to be proper and made apple butter. Should I admit that? :) I also love that it is a classic/pioneer name without being too common or used. I love that it means 'intense happiness, joyful, cheerfulness.' 

other names we considered: Mary Kate, Adeline, Emma

Anne: We initially considered Felicity Joy, but decided it would be a little to much to live up to. I mean, she needed to feel like she could have a bad day after all! Haha. 

We decided on Anne. Also a good solid classic name. Felicity is a 4 syllable name and so we thought it appropriate for her middle to not be a mouthful. Ann is my sister Catherine's middle name-- she is closest to me in age and the third girl in my family. She's always been one of the most loyal friends in my life. We decided on Anne with an "E" at the end because Catherine has always lamented that her name didn't have one and also because that's what Brian preferred. 

The BABY:

8lbs 12oz. 

When I was in labor, Brian and I took guesses at her weight. I thought she would be right at 8 or a little under since she was born right on my due date. He thought the same. But she ended up being the biggest so far! That's all the nurses kept saying when she came out: "she's so big!" "I bet she's almost 9lbs!" 

She looks just like Liesel. Seriously, I think they might look like twins. She has my nail beds, hands, feet and ears (none of the other girls do), but other than that, she is all Brian. His white eyebrows, his mouth, his nose. Eyes are too hard to tell yet. 

Took her a second to cry since her lungs/mouth were full of meconium and fluid, but she started wailing as I was reaching for her a few seconds after birth. 

Brian and I both fell in love right away. He kept saying he had forgotten how special it was to have a new baby and held Felicity until 2am that first morning. 

AT ONE WEEK: 

Nursing great. She was back at her birth weight 4.5 days after birth. It was nice not to have to worry about her gaining weight since I couldn't sit up to nurse. She had her first long awake period yesterday and has started to sleep better at night. She woke up to nurse 4 times last night, but went back down each time. I've been putting her to bed at 6:30pm and she doesn't get up for an awake stretch after that. Hoping to keep that up.

I feel like she's a sweet, kind little girl. Insane to say at 10 days? Maybe. :)

THE GIRLS:

Whew! SOOOOO glad my mom was here! She saved us! She's taken them swimming twice, to parks, to the zoo to a movie, grocery shopping and all around town. She's entertained them up in their bedrooms and read to them in the mornings while I'm still in bed. 

Hannah has been having a hard time this week. She frequently starts yelling and saying, "I AM MAAAADDD!!" In a growling voice. Usually it is over something inconsequential or something I don't understand at all. Both have been waking up earlier than usual and sleeping less-- making them a little more cranky than normal. She kicked Felicity in the head the other day while they were both on my bed. On purpose. Twice. Luckily it wasn't too hard.

 I haven't been able to pick up Hannah at all this week, but she understands it's b/c my back and head might start hurting again. I've been trying to give her some one-on-one time for a few minutes a day. I put her to bed last night for the first time and she seemed very happy about that. Gave me about 40 kisses and said her cute little prayer next to me. I love looking at her chubby fingers interlocking while she kneels down and prays. I peek the whole time just so I can see it. 

Liesel was kind of grossed out by nursing at first ("put that away mom! That is weird! Why are you doing that? I don't like that!") and totally disgusted by the umbilical chord ("I don't like that! Cover it up!") -- in fact, one of the first things she asked when she came to the hospital was "Mom, was it weird when she came out right here?" Since, she has gotten used to the nursing and is sweet with Felicity. Her tantrums have been more intense than normal with a quicker onset, but overall she has been really great and helpful. 

Felicity's Birth Story

I have been having signs of labor for several days but on off. I have gone into labor a week and 10 days late in my other pregnancies. I felt really confused because I kept feeling like I was going into labor with a really strong contractions that I could even time. I was anxious to have the baby even though I was early, which I've never felt to that degree before. In all honesty, I think I was a little off on my due date by about two days. Never been very good at keeping track so I tried to estimate on the long end so I wouldn't feel dissapointed.

Anyway, I woke up the morning of March 19 feeling pretty good and hadn't felt any strong contractions that night. I was lying in bed talking to Brian when I felt a big gush and realized my water had broken. I looked up and said, "I think my water just broke! Guess you're not going to work today." Kind of weird to know that I would be going to the hospital and be having my baby within the next 24 hours, but that I wasn't actually in labor yet. There was meconium in the water which I noticed and it did make me feel a little bit more inclined to go to the hospital instead of laboring at home. I wasn't overly anxious though and decided to try and walk Liesel to preschool, vacuum the house, and get things in order for the girls so that they were prepared when we stayed at the hospital. And I actually did my hair. I felt kind of silly doing it but I usually look so crummy when I start labor but I thought I would since it was morning and I had the time.

Part of me kind of missed going to the hospital middle of the night when the world was sleeping and I knew I was going to have a baby, but it was also nice to get a full nights sleep and head to the hospital in the daylight when we could work out childcare. Really it was a blessing.

Our friends rallied around us and assured us that our kids would be fine. I felt both overwhelmed at the kindness of our friends and also a little guilty leaving such a tremendous responsibility on all of them.

When we got to the hospital I was having contractions about five minutes apart but they were very tolerable. I was worried about being bored and Brian thought about going to get scrabble from home. But instead we decided to wait just a little bit walk around the hospital and have him eat lunch and see what would happen. We did that for about an hour and a half and noticed that things were picking up a little bit.

When they checked me at around 1:45 and I had told her that I knew I was not going to be far along. And when she did check I was only 3cm. I wasn't surprised though because I knew my contractions hadn't been strong enough to do anything else. I told the nurse that the baby probably wouldn't come until 10 PM to prepare for that. 

The contractions really started to pick up after this point though, and at one point I had a pretty strong contraction right after Brian had gone to the bathroom and the nurse and left the room. It was so strong that I heard a loud pop three times.  It was the water bag breaking again but when I first heard it I thought something had exploded. It kind of sent my body into shock after that point and they came in to do my sailine lock and couldn't even find my veins. The contractors are picking up an intensity and in length. They were lasting around two minutes and feeling very intense. 

At this point I told the nurse that I was interested in an epidural. I had started to feel somewhat foolish always going with natural birth when there is an alternative to get out of it. Also the pain was intense and I was looking forward to not feeling it. The anesthesiologist was taking a while to get there and I told the nurse I did not think he was going to get there in time. She assured me he would but I knew my contractions were intense enough and I was progressing very quickly--in hindsight I wish he had not made it there in time. The nurse check me and I was a seven and he arrived right after that.

As soon as they started the process began to regret it somewhat. The nurse anesthetist look very young and Started chatting with Brian about the bike that he had bought from him.  I had to remind him I was in labor and please be quiet. They begin the epidural process and I had to contractions while they were trying to put in the epidural.

I didn't know it at the time but they had to do it twice because he messed up the first time. When he didn't mess up I could feel his thing that went all the way up my neck. The doctor tried to claim it was a muscle spasm but I told him he did not feel like a muscle spasm. What's the epidural was in my blood pressure dropped dramatically. The mood in the room with tense the anesthesiologist had beads of sweat on his forhead.

I probably shouldn't have but I immediately began to express regret getting the epidural. I said that this was the cascade of interventions I had read about and kept saying that it was a mistake. Then a few minutes past and I realize I had I was having a contraction appeal it and so overjoyed!

I had two more contractions and can feel pressure my tailbone but nothing else. I have to go to contractions I could tell that I was going to have the baby and it was time to push. About 15 minutes had passed at this point and the doctor had left the room thinking it would be a while. The nurse checked me and could feel the babies head. They had to page the doctor STAT over the intercom. I was so overjoyed that I could feel to push but didn't feel any anxiety or stress. I was really excited about the epidural at this point and felt very happy that I was gonna push the baby out without all of the fogginess in the brain or the barbaric animal screams. 

I started to push even before the doctor got there just a little and once he did arrive I pushed for about 15 minutes--I could feel the baby crown and the whole body come out. I was surprised at how that felt exactly the same with natural birth versus an epidural. 

I was so excited to see the baby! I reached for her and felt so happy! I didn't feel any of that anxiety or "thank goodness this is over" feeling. 

 The second I saw her face I felt an immediate connection with this little one. Her mouth was open but she was trying to screen but it took a second for the wail to come. This was the first birth where I was reaching for her the second she was out of me. Her cry it was so cute. Everything about her seemed so cute to me. I grabbed her right away and she felt warm and slimey. I was very very happy. They wanted to do the baby-led latch technique where they put the baby on your bare chest and let her root around until she finds where to nurse

Not sure if that's any more effective than just helping them find where to latch but either way it was nice to not have them rush her off right away to dry and weigh her. She did nurse like a champ. So maybe it is effective? I feel like my doc was getting impatient and so we ended up not doing a whole nursing session before they took her away. 

I started to notice complications --that my head was really beginning to pound between my eyes and that I could tell that it was the start of a spinal headache. When I told the nurse and doctor this they all want to deny that it was a spinal headache. They said the onset was too quick. The pain became unbearable if I was sitting up. It felt like my brain was being pulled down and out the back of my neck--- or like it was hanging by blood vessels and resting on my eyes. I had to have help to get to the bathroom and could not get back to bed fast enough. It made it hard to look at Felicity, to nurse or eat since I had to lie down. Brian did everything all night long... Diaper changes, rocking her to sleep etc. the next day I decided to do the blood patch.

We decided against the anesthetist that messed up the epidural and asked for a different one that we know and are friends with. So glad Brian insisted on this because I think I under estimated how terrified I would feel. It's basically a second epidural (the catheter is in your back and put in the same way), but instead of injecting painkiller, they draw blood after the catheter is in and inject it into your spine so it clots the torn area in your spinal sheath that is leaking cerebral spinal fluid. I felt some relief immediately and was totally better after a few hours. At this point, I still wasn't entirely regretting the epidural since I mostly just wanted to lie down at the hospital anyway through the night. I had the blood patch done around 9am. The whole next day I felt fine except for some back soreness. On Sunday mid-day, I noticed the head ache coming back. After about 40 mins, it was full-blown and terrible.

For the next two days, I debated what to do. I couldn't find any solid story online of someone waiting it out. CSF fluid doesn't really clot, since that area is not meant to be punctured. After agonizing over it, I decided to get a second blood patch. But I was terrified. And Brian wasn't totally onboard, which made me far more anxious and self-doubting. Ultimately, I didn't know how I could function as a mom waiting this thing out. So I went in again. I started crying trying to sign the waiver. I was so anxious at the start of the procedure that they had to all leave while Brian talked to me and throw away their open sterile tools. My blood pressure was high and I was insanely tense and could not calm down. I couldn't get over the thought of another huge needle in my spine.  I was able to calm down enough to get through the procedure and stayed lying down for an hour. I insisted on a wheel chair to the car (I wasn't about to let that clot come off!) and they wheeled me to the car. I was in bed for the next 48 hours and got up only a little the evening on Thursday. Friday morning I finally got up and took a shower, stood up and got outside!!!! YAY! To the park with all the kids and my mom. It was so nice to be out of bed.

To say I regret getting the epidural is an understatement. I will not be doing it again. Ever. Kind of ironic that I ended up with 4 epidural punctures in my back from this one labor. . . two epidurals (the messed up one where my fluid leaked and the good one that worked during transition/pushing) and the two blood patches. I was at a 7 when she checked be before getting the anesthetist and it took 20 minutes after that to have it start working. I was SO CLOSE to being done on my own. Ive always been leary of medical procedures and do believe they tend to cause more problems that they later have to fix with more meds and procedures (high blood pressure! baby's heart rate! leaky fluid! Spinal headache! Swelling from the IV! she needs med! More IV-- she's dehydrated)!

I do feel so unbelievably happy that the spinal headache is gone. I felt grateful the whole time that it was me with a problem and not Felicity. I had felt anxious about her for months and about the labor going bad, so I was relieved nothing had lasting consequences.

Also, I am so thankful for friends in the area. Natalie let Hannah stay at preschool, Leslie picked them up and watched all 5 kids at her house for hours. Then Sister Louthan picked them up and watched them all night/day until noon when Brian brought them to the hospital and then they went back to to Natalie's for the rest of the afternoon until 5pm. She had dinner for us all made when we picked them up. Leslie brought over flowers and chocolates when I was on bedrest. Heidi made us dinner on Saturday. My mom has done a tremendous amount of work watching the girls, keeping the house clean and laundry done, making all meals and entertaining the kids so well. Makes me kind of wonder what I had been doing the last 4 years. :) I'm so grateful for my brother and sister who fasted for me and for the prayers of all of my family. And I'm so grateful I can stand up now and look at my kids and focus on something and eat my meals sitting up.

And I'm thankful for little Felicity for joining our family. I can't wait to get to know her and watch her grow.

Thursday in March

Happy one-week birthday to Miss Felicity! Going on day six now of bed rest… Although I have to admit today's been the first day that I've been able to get up and move quite a bit. I actually took a shower for the first time since Sunday and brushed my hair and got dressed. It seems like the blood patch was effective and that the headache has gone away, but I feel cautiously optimistic since the last one worked tfor 48 hours before failing.

The procedure was kind of comical since I had a complete anxiety attack when trying to sign the medical waiver and again at the start of the blood patch. High blood pressure, tense muscles, fast breathing, tears and shaking... I was totally freaked out that I was making a wrong choice since medical intervention is what had caused the pain in the first place. I was terrified of permanent damage. The anesthetist did a really good job of addressing my concerns and switched out a member of the team for someone more seasoned at blood draws. I made it through it with Brian's help to help me stay calm, relaxed and to hold up my head and upper body since I had to stay limp to be relaxed and draw sterile blood after the epidural catheter was in. So glad that's over... And I've realized that people have no idea what this is. Someone told Brian today that they had an epidural headache for a few days a a massage really helped...  Hmmmm. 

Brian finish the sprinkler system and it works awesome!  

My view these days

The tiring, lazy and exhausting first 10 days have passed. 

First time sitting up to nurse in long time. I was worried about my milk decreasing from only one position nursing for the week, but little girl is thriving. 

Brian on the other hand. . .

Felicity is here!!

Life is lovely. Regret is ugly.

We are so blessed in so many ways. Having little Felicity as part of our family has brought so much joy. She is nursing like a champ and she has no health problems or complications at all. She's beautiful and I can't complain about fussiness or sleep at all. It's been so nice to have my mom here because it's been quite the adjustment for my girls… But not in the way I expected. It's been difficult for Lecil to have mommy always nursing and able to help or play as much. I think it is also struggled with mommy not being available. I got an epidural headache after the baby was born last Thursday. I wasn't able to sit up at all until I got the blood patch done. Last night I noticed that the headache was starting to come back. Now I have to lie am a back all the time or may excruciating pain. I've been trying to decide what to do. They say hindsight is 2020 but definitely feels that way now. If only I could go back and not get the epidural I would do it in a heartbeat. Knowing that I could be perfectly healthy right now feel somewhat frustrating. I'm really really hoping this will go away because it feels very incapacitating to not be able to do anything but lie in bed all day. With that said send goodness I have little Felicity keep me company. Brian's health is been key he's changed all diapers picture up and help so much. Having my mom here is absolutely essential since I cannot do anything to help with the girls at all. I'm praying to know what the best decision is… A little scared of another procedure so close to my spine and so many needles already. But also I cannot imagine trying to lie here in bed for two weeks to three months if this headache never goes away. 

Little girls

I've been thinking about what liesel said yesterday and today... Right before dinner, we asked her to go change her shirt back into one she had been wearing. I have been trying to stick to one outfit a day (laundry gets brutal when they both change and get three differ t things dirty). Anyway, she was throwing a massive hysterical fit, so we said prayer without her so Brian could eat and get out the door to help Clay roof his house. I went upstairs and she didn't hear me. I looked at her kneeling on the floor with her head in her hands and she whispered to herself, "I am throwing a giant tantrum." And she sounded so dissapointed in herself. I knelt down and gave her a hug and told her it was ok. Today she was cleaning her toys and couldn't figure out how to sort it all in the bins. She was very frustrated and angry. I came up to help her and we started cleaning up. She asked me, "mom, am I still a really good helper? Like I was yesterday when I cleaned it up all by myself?" I realized how much my little girl needs my approval and encouragement. How much she needs tenderness and love instead of snappiness and frustration. Little children are so tender.

Manhood

Brian worked on the sprinkler all day yesterday and today. Then he helped clay for a few hours after wolfing down some tuna loaf. He came home, took one look in our fridge and said, "I'm going to Wendy's." About a year ago I read outloud on a road trip to CA the book, "a Day no Pigs Would Die"-- the climax of the book is when the boy has to shoot his pet/best friend pig so the family has food for the winter. I was bawling while reading it, and the dad tells the son that being a man means doing things that are hard but that have to be done. Brian mentioned this today and it's kind of true. Adulthood requires quite a lot of sacrifice.

Here is a photo of Brian digging beneath the sidewalk with a kitchen spoon (shovel was too big and hit the house) because the builders didn't put a PVC tube under the concrete... Kids are "helping" ... Two days till due date!

Still a duo, almost a trio.

 about 4 days away from due date now. I have never felt more anxious than I have this time around... not anxious/nervous, but anxious/end-this. I think it's because I have wondered multiple times if I was actually in labor-- that that is killing me! The BH contractions are killer this time around. The wrap around my belly and back and have to breath through them kind. When Brian got home from a SAR last night at 1:15am, I had woken up three minutes before with a killer one. And I tried for the next two hours to stay quiet while I had them every 15-20 minutes. Finally they stopped and I fell asleep. I was expecting to awaken a have to go in, but nope. 

Interesting that we'll have three daughters soon. I'm sure as soon as we meet this little gal, we'll feel like we know her/love her, but it is so hard to picture exactly what it will be like before it happens. I've never been good at waiting for good things to happen. 

Brian has been gone so much lately. Like all the time. He was gone last night on a rescue and then again tonight doing the paperwork. I think he's only home about one night a week. We moved both girls into one room on bunkbeds. This makes bedtime more difficult and inevitably we get less sleep. They wake earlier and go to sleep later. Some of that is the longer days too. I'm also trying to wean them both from pull-ups. They have stayed dry the last two nights, but haven't woken on their own to go potty. Kind of hard to get Liesel down from that top bunk and take her, but I'm sure that will be easier when I'm not 9 months pregnant. 

Took our boat out last week on Monday with the Babcock family. They are the most chill family on the planet and very easy to hang with. It was so nice to be out and on the water, but I feel like everything is slightly blasé lately. I'm blaming it on pregnancy. I don't feel energized about anything and just want to sit all the time. I really don't enjoy that feeling and it makes me think something is wrong with me. Have to remember that I'll return to normal. 

We bought the girls chicks this week. I got 7 thinking that one would be a rooster (their accuracy at guessing sex is 80%) and one would die. So far, looks like I'm right. Liesel loves them and Hannah likes them. Hannah has a little yellow chick that she named "Emmy" -- it's the name she picks for everything. Fits nicely with our grandma names/flowers theme. Here our the names:

Melba

Gayle

Rosie (will probably die despite Liesel's constant prayers for a miraculous healing. Her faith is astounding and I hope my adult doubt is proved wrong).

Zinnia

Emmy

Daisy 

and the last one is B's pick, but he hasn't decided. 

Goal: Irrigation system installed tomorrow and the next day. I feel bad that it's all up to Brian, but between pregnancy and the kids, I'm a pretty worthless helper. THRILLED to have a yard soon. 

Be Mine.

Threw a little V-day party for the kids for Valentine's Day. I actually really love this holiday and I don't think we'll be able to live up to this year next year. Even still, it was fun to make is special. A month later, Hannah will still occasionally mournfully say, "Balentine Day over, huh mommy?"